I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
