I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
