BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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