wakey wakey hands off snakey
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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