I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think a kid would responsible me up
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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