I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
