Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
