Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
