Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
