How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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