I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
