4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
