if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
