There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
