Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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