there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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