that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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