My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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