i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
