my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
