someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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