I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
