Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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