I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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