I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
