I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
