proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Acid is not a monday night drug
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
