somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
