handjob tips. give me some.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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