Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
