why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
