If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
