just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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