I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
