you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
