Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
