So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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