made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
