Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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