i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
