Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
love makes seman taste better
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
