I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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