I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
