Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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