Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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