So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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