She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
