I'm so fucking centered right now
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
