dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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