"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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