Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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