well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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